:(, Wow Chris D!! We received a relationship query from a man who wanted to spice things up with his wife of 29 years, but was struggling to make headway because of the spouses inhibitions. That can happen because of a lack of communication, a lack of understanding or just misinterpreting what their spouse is thinking. My hubby is one happy camper. You have put up with so much bull shit it is sickening. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. We never had sex before marriage and on our wedding night he rolled over and went to sleep. It is very common for middle aged women to wind up being hypothyroid. I must be cursed. Im gonna ask you a serious question please be honest. */ Hes no longer a sexy looking man, doesnt care about trying to make himself better, I still fight to try to look really good, no matter how I feel. I will probably need to work into my 70s or as long as I am able. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? Am I doomed? She never apologized. Tried Testosterone replacement but it made me very sick and ended up in the emergency room with complications . When your partner wont touch you, there could be infidelity involved, 6. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. Make your own porn and watch that. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. Now when I express frustration, she will occasionally make a half hearted attempt, but rejects me at the last moment which has brought forth some lack of confidence for me and resentment towards her. I have been married since 1983. Would you like to see more questions and answers? She just isnt attracted to me. Genuinely compliment your wife and make her feel sexy again. No one is talking about men who dont want to have sex. Ive tried scheduling, bringing in sex toys, texting, dating, hugging and cuddling in bed you name it. And really dont know what to do. I suppose that his stomach, which is huge, the fact that he cant really get hard, and the fact that sex takes forever are some of the reasons why I no longer want to have sex. It is equally open to the man to be charitable by eating alone. I hope this is helpful to someone. I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. I hear ya Jose! Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. He expects lunch and dinner to be made for him every day, He drinks beer by the gallon and he gives nothing to this marriage. Mostly sexless for ten years and when I talk to her she just says, Im not attracted to you anymore, so get a girlfriend. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. However, whenever a relationship began getting serious my body would suddenly shut down- no erection, no ejaculation, no desire. Some nice and some angry! I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. Choosing a date of the week for example, in which she will be the one to request it. Men are not mind readers. I know couples who watch it together and I believe my wife and her friend are closed minded and in denial of their contribution, or lack thereof in being that person who can meet the wants and needs of their husbands. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. Id be interested to find out your age. Period!!! I actually envy those that are single. var d = document, s = d.createElement('script'); I get it and don't want to add to her stress. I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. Any discussion goes nowhere. You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things. Nothing is out of bounds! I have (age 60+) gone right off sex. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. . I guess I must count my blessings. I know this because that is what I do, but I have never been more unhappy in my life. I chose to stay just to piss my wife off. If done with the full knowledge of both partners, and always using safe sex, this would provide another solution to their dilemma. The thing thats in the way the most for me ISNT all the atrophy, the breast surgery, the continuing oral chemo therapy, the fatigue that I have. Most men do their deed and roll over. Your story is very very simular to mine. Senior Planets comments are open for all readers/subscribers; we love hearing from you! I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! As I recall when we first started dating we were watching porn together. Bull. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. Love will always outweigh the brief pleasure that $$ and status can provide. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy go hand in hand. 2. Its no secret that sex after marriage tends to become monotonous, especially if neither partner makes an effort to keep the fire of passion burning. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. My wife and me have been married 9 1/2 years and entered a phas of no sex about 6 months ago. Sucks to be me, right! Its is not your role. Wish I could off you more of a solution but I think things either go on the way they are or there has to be come conclusion. This was an enlightening comment and reflects what has been my marriage for 35 years. If I push thru to be happy and have energy, he expects me to be like I was 20 years ago. I love him and want to please him even if I feel nothing or just help him reach release. I mistakenly intercepted several text When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Ive been accepting of her feelings and expectations. If these thoughts are not at the forefront of your relational mind, well, your (our) love(s) and relationships may in fact die. Sweetie, I love you with all my heart and it saddens me that you have no interest in intimacy with me and refuse to explore any potential solutions. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch. When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff. Now ASAP get a life please. (That is very thoughtful, I do all those things because my wife is Special and I want her to be happy) I have always shared the housework and dont mean picking up my clothes yes I am defensive because women dont believe med do housework. You need to find a woman who respects you and wants to be intimate with you on a consistent basis. I have no idea what to do. Oh, and me driving the car, she has panic attacks and asks I dont drive. Nothing physical. I feel for you for my wife always have said I will make you feel good but then dont try to do anything .. Never thought it would happen to me, but it has, plus some other medical problems that leave me exhausted. I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. I appreciate there are many reasons MANY reason wives dont want sex and No one can or should force them to have to sex. She is my sister as far as Im concerned not my lover and I dont know what to do. Yet she constantly professes love. Our marriage still isnt consummated, and this grieves me as I yearn to be loved in this way. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact supporters@seniorplanet.org. It may sound strange, but I actually take some comfort out of reading other peoples comments and stories: I am not alone I also dearly love my wife and would never leave her, but a sexless life (10+ years) is the sad reality. In the real world things are very different. Im just sad and trying to figure things out. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. So to many they think Im faking it. I have never, nor will I ever cheat. There is some offensiveness directed towards men but I can benefit from your observations. Ive been in one for about 47 years and Im the cause of it. I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. Doing some bootie grabbing or not being a standing up participant?!? Susan I think many men would find your comments upsetting. If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. 60s, 70s. Yes, totally wrong. Am I ugly? And I still dont even know why! Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. She has absolutely no interest in it. I am afraid Buck is correct. I hear you sister, I am only 52, husband is same age. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. Does your wife struggle with self-love? Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. Women arent suitable for long term monogamy. . Especially if you once had a healthy and active sex life. As for me, never. Sex is over. But it should not stop like this as it hampering your life. 7 years no sex!!! At least you go that far to keep your marriage happy, intake, blessed. I happen to like the situation I created and I will never change it. My situation isnt as severe as many here. I love her but I need sex I cant survive with masturbation, being with a woman and everything that goes with it is so important to me. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort. 11 Signs Your Boyfriend Isn't Interested In You Sexually Anymore I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. Because we always hear guys complaining! "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. Sigh I dont even want to see anyone else. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. ITS HIS POUTING and defeatist attitude! What shallow view of the problem. 30 years I kept saying to myself.itll get better Now I have ED. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); Juggling household and professional responsibilities single-handedly is no easy feat. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. Well, our partners dont seem to care they are hurting us. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? The only difference is that if we separate I will not have the van!! Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. That leads to I dont like you. Before I married my second wife, Vicky told me she made a terrible mistake, still loves me and wanted back. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. Guys need intimacy too as well as sex and we love our spouses too. It is so sad listening to mostly men talk about their wives not wanting sex. Meanwhile, I encourage you to keep masturbating. Harley, yeah I believe men are more likely to complain then women in places like this. Weve been married for 27 years and have 3 adult children. I also went down on her regularly, and now she doesnt even want me to try. While my wife does not do drugs or anything like that, she has lost the interest for sex. That was 20 years ago. I hear you bro. Here's her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. Ive read where most men think the woman should spice up their sex lives to keep the man from cheating and those kind of men are lazy. You need boundaries to actively live yours in a healthy manner without them in your bedroom. Too bad, b/c I think Id be better for him than she could ever be. So in summary, WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION? I am male. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. I have come to that conclusion also. That's part of it, but in long-term relationships, sex is also the fastest route for a man to feel close and connected to his wife. It has been 5 very long years for me. Most women are unforgiving and never say theyre sorry for the crap they pull, and stop providing or enjoying sex on that basis. I suggest to you what I advised Frustrated see a therapist right away. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. I also recognize he has no intentions of changing. Brilliant. BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! Have you considered opening your relationship or swinging together? You and your husband need to take some hours to reconnect, or try to reconnect, with the people you believe yourself to have been when you first fell in love with each other. Sure she was sore & tired particularly in the beginning, but she didnt make it a habit to say no because she knew my hand was nothing like her body that I craved. I dont care what age this happens to a man, somehow the blame goes to the woman for not looking her best,gaining weight, busy with the kids, not willing to give oral sex and the list goes on and on. 20yrs old. And yeah I can pleasure myself, but that will never be like the real thing. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. Add to that some other longstanding unresolved low sex drive and relationship problems caused by their mate (me) in the past, and strict un_affectionate anti_sex parents in her upbringing. I demonstrate my love for her in so many ways, little notes, letters, flowers messages in song, other women including young women I work with say they would love to have someone who loves and respects their partner and relationship like I do. Guys. Here's What To Do If Your Partner Doesn't Want Sex Anymore - Elite Daily Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for ED. Id be saying goodbye! We love each other but no sexual contact leads to a very frustrating relationship. Id never treat him as she does! But the giving up on relationship and each other is what happens. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. Im pretty much in the same boat. I knew I had to do something. He keeps saying hell do better, but nothing ever happens! 35 Sweet Things To Say To Your Wife To Make Her Go Awww! Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. I have to listen to her telling me I am fat etc. Back issues and menopause have completely removed my interest in sex. Like Nike says, just do it. The frequency began to dwindle a few years back and now has been more than a year since we have had sex. But now living with you is not what she thought it would be and she closes shop on you. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. So sorry to read this Pamela, Im in the same boat with my lovely wife, terribly depressing. Its incredibly painful!!!! Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. But in practice, no one is equal. No way not ever. If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. There is a lot more going on there. I was being shipped out to Vietnam and we both were afraid of losing eachother. I can offer a small piece of advise. I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. Im 15 years younger than my husband. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. I dont know why your husband would even want to be intimate with you, you sound like a harpy. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. Does Thunderbird mean anything to you? For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. Stay with it, work on it with her. Please ask your husband if hell see a counselor with you to save your marriage. While I understand where you are coming from, what if (as in my case) it is a physical.problem that is the cause. My wife and I now both sleep with settled stomachs (and I dont wake hungry in the night). Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. There is hope on the horizon. But maybe if shes willing to try your weekly sex date again, she might find that once youve aroused her, the mood sails in. If you think your wife avoids intimacy because of an underlying condition, its best to seek medical help at the earliest. There are always two sides to a story, and I dont want to paint her as an uncaring wife. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING I can live with that, but I can not live with never being touched or made love to ever again. I appreciate that No outside agency or individual can fix anything yet they get their fix of adulation with tired Info. I found a wonderful woman gynecologist, and she put me on low dose hormone therapy. Feminism has a lot to answer for; there seems to be too many mismatched females being vocal, when this has been a male affliction to be saddled with an undersexed female. But from a womans standpoint, we need emotional love BIG TIME before we can go there. Men are very simple to please. But I do it, why? Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. Be loving. I said no. Prostate cancer or vaginal dryness does not preclude you from meeting the sexual needs of your partner out of laziness and a lack of giving a shit. I have noticed in the last two months that most forms of affection have dissapeared. In good times, sex it a wonderful way to give and receive love. After my wife lost interest, I told her that we either opened our marriage or divorced. Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! Men are not brain dead. Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). If you must you could think castration out of love. I have rekindled a relationship that ended over fifty years ago with a woman I dated right before I met my wife. Ive considered a fuck-buddy, but I cant do that to her. Each year for three years, she assured me she would seek help from a wholistic doctor, which never happened. The nipple is not an on and off switch. I became so dry that sex was painful, we tried different lubricants but nothing really helped much. Still in love with Vicky. My wife avoids spending time with me. If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? But many times women holds back based on how they are treated. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. For the months it was possible, I felt like a real man again, and much stronger at home and work. I in the same boat as your husband. Super heart broken!!! There is just so much fantasizing, flirting and masturbating that I can do. Thank you, great essay. There are many causes, physical and emotional, why your wife wont have sex with you anymore. I have spoken to my wife several times. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. Gopa explains how such mental health issues can affect your physical intimacy. To me, hes practicing classic avoidance and he simply closes up emotionally. She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. If your wife is struggling with any mental health issues, she may be less interested in sex at the moment. Its bad. What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Anyway, I simply want you to know that as many women as men are trapped in this sadness. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. Hello Will, I love her but I need/miss sexual relations, which she's not into. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. I dont look my age at all! Research shows that women who had a positive view of themselves reported higher levels of intimate encounters and arousal. Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. Bonnie, thank you for commenting. Females are elevated to the superior status of the male they pair with the reverse is not true receive the protection and provisioning of that male, and enjoy the primary bond with the children. We might as well bring up the time tested alternative. This can be a disheartening situation to cope with. Dont worry about having sex for a long time. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you wont know what you need to work on. Most women find us as nothing more then a sex pig. Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. I finally asked him he said I was crab and mad all the time, I have a lot of pain and take a lot of meds sometime, and yes I am very unhappy with my life, but I try to hid it. Thanks for listening. Seems like you do not really love your husband any more. struggles or clinical depression? I am talking about virtual reality and toys for Men like the flesh light, that can at least make the situation bearable. No doubt youre frustrated. Im 54 and my husband and I enjoy each others company but he does not want to engage in physical affection or intimacy. Dont you dare accuse all men of being selfish and unhelpful. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. Thanks for your candid note. At 73, my 69 year old wife fits the descriptions you have provided to a T. Just replace you, the wife, with me, the husband. It hard to bud out. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? Sometimes, the answer to, My wife rejects me all the time and I dont know why, can be the simple fact that youre not taking care of yourself anymore. Just get out Stan. I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex.
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